Do not stand at my grave and weep
by JCB
Summary: A bitter sweet conclusion to Lee and Kara's life together


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; I'm only borrowing them for a while.**

**A final entry in the series. This comes with a health warning for those of you of a sensitive disposition! **

**Do not stand at my grave and weep**

It seemed as if every television camera in existence was trained on the sharp planes of the most famous face in the new colonies. The owner of the face stared impassively ahead, seemingly oblivious to the attention. He was, after all, used to it. If the people had expected him to behave differently today then they would be disappointed. Only those close to him could guess at what it was costing him to keep up the façade of control, because today the public ceremony was different: today President Lee Adama was burying his wife.

The quorum had insisted that she have a state funeral to allow the people to pay their respects to one of the biggest heroines of their fight against the Cylons. Her family would have preferred a quiet private ceremony, but part of Lee wanted her to have the recognition that he felt she deserved, but even he hadn't expected the vast crowd that had turned up to Colonial City's newly finished grand square to observe the ceremony with quiet respect. As he stood on display as a priest intoned words over his wife's coffin, the only outward sign of his distress was his artificial left hand flexing convulsively around the top of the cane which he still had to use after the injuries he had received all those years ago on their first aborted new home after fleeing the Cylons. His other hand was being clutched tightly by a slim girl with long blonde hair and an uncanny resemblance to her mother. They were flanked by his two sons; Alex in a dark suit, his face a mirror of his fathers and Marcus in his dress uniform and doing his best not to disgrace that uniform by crying in public. Lee glanced up at the statue of his father which had been erected following his death ten years previously. He was for once glad that the old man wasn't alive any more: he could never have stood the loss of his 'daughter'. The statue stood in front of the new museum of colonial history, a place where his family featured heavily. The arrow of Apollo, which Kara had retrieved from Caprica, was held there. He would find it hard to tour that museum now with her face staring back at him from so many of the exhibits.

Lee disengaged his mind from the ceremony and thought of his wife. They had been married for thirty years, friends for ten years before that. He had known her all his adult life. She had by turns infuriated him, angered him, delighted him and constantly surprised him. She had been his constant companion, his rock, his love. He had no idea how he was going to go on without her.

He thought back to when they had first learnt of the cancer. It had been Colonial day the previous year. For the first time in what seemed like forever all their family would be together. Marcus was already home with a forty eight hour pass and Alex would be arriving later. He was bringing a girlfriend, which was a first. They'd met a few of his girlfriends before, but he'd never brought one to stay at a family gathering, so his parents assumed that he must be serious about this one. Lee was intrigued but also fearful as to his wife's reaction. Kara was definitely on her mettle: no woman was likely to be good enough for her beloved eldest son! Apart from attending the colonial day parade they also had no official duties that day so after the parade was over they could just relax and enjoy the company of their family. As he lay in bed with his wife in his arms, basking in the afterglow of early morning sex, he couldn't think of any where he'd rather be.

"Mmmm, I must be getting old."

"Why would you think that?" she replied, ruffling his greying hair.

"Because I'd really like to do it again but I don't think I've got the energy."

"Why Mr President…."

There was banging on their bedroom door. A sing-song voice that clearly belonged to his daughter could be heard saying "We know what you're doing!" Marcus joined in and shouted out

"Put her down! It's disgusting; sex at your age. I'm going to tell the press that you should be sacked: a politician sleeping with his own wife: it shouldn't be allowed! You're damaging us you know; it's a surprise we're not all in therapy."

"Frak off!" his father shouted back at him good naturedly.

He stumbled out of bed and pulled on a robe. He thought Kara was doing the same but he turned to see her doubled up over the bed, clutching her side.

"Kara?"

"I'm OK Lee. Don't fuss. I just got up a bit too quick."

He let it go, but couldn't get over the nagging feeling that something was wrong. He watched her surreptitiously throughout the day. When he found her in the kitchen after dinner holding on to the sink, knuckles white, he knew that he couldn't ignore it.

"That's it. You're going to the doctor tomorrow morning." She started to protest but he cut her off. "No arguments Kara." She nodded, knowing that when he used his best commander bark it was useless to resist, and also perhaps acknowledging that something was wrong.

He could still remember sitting in the doctor's office, mechanically stroking his thumb up and down her palm, and the numb feeling as the doctor explained about the cancer that had started in her ovaries and then spread to her lymph system and beyond. It was too late to operate. Stubborn Kara had ignored the pain and carried on stoically and now there was little the medics could do. Ironically the drug which he had helped to find all those years ago on Kobol, and which had kept Laura Roslin alive for five years longer than anyone had expected, had been shown to be extremely effective against many types of cancer, with the exception of ovarian cancer. His security detail, his assistant and his press officer waited outside the doctor's office to escort him to his next meeting while the doctor explained the treatment options.

"So let me get this straight doc," said Kara in her no nonsense way, only a slight waiver in her voice. "If I don't have any active treatment I've got six to nine months, a year tops and you can do things to ease the pain. Treatment might give me about six months more, but the side effects are pretty horrendous and there are no stellar new treatments waiting in the wings to save the day."

"That's about it, yes." She looked briefly at Lee in unspoken communication and he nodded.

"Well I'll take the first option thanks."

He wanted to disagree with her, scream that he wanted her to have every drug available to keep her with him as long as possible, but he knew that wasn't right. She hated being ill, hated hospitals and all the things that went with the type of treatment the doctor had described. He respected the fact that only a woman of her courage could accept the hand that fate had dealt her and face it as an opportunity to go out in style. He knew that she'd rather have six good months than a year of sickness and he was going to make damn sure that she enjoyed every day that she had left.

He had cancelled his meeting ("the President has a cold") and taken her home. She had cried herself to sleep in his arms and after she fell asleep he had sobbed quietly into her hair. Of all the things that could have killed Kara Thrace, it was going to be this one: an enemy that she couldn't fight with her fists, shout at or fly rings around. The hardest part had been telling the children. Marcus especially had railed at her.

"Why won't you have the drugs, Mom? I can't believe that you're giving up. You taught us never to give up."

"I'm not giving up, but I have to pick the right fight. I'm going to die, Marcus; it comes to us all eventually and it's just my turn. I accept that, but I'm going to fight every step of the way to have a good time before I go. Can you understand and accept that too? I hope so because I'm going to need you to help me."

He had nodded and hugged her tightly. Lee had found the sight of his strapping twenty-seven year old son crying in his mother's arms heartbreaking. She just about came up to his chin, but she reached up and stroked his hair while he tried to control his sobs.

He had wanted to give up his presidency but she wouldn't let him. He would need something to keep him busy after she was gone, she said. So he kept it up but handed more duties to the vice president. In a simple radio address he explained to the people of the new colonies that he wanted to remain their president, but that he would be spending more time with his family due to his wife's illness. He asked for privacy at this difficult time: naturally the press were camped on their door step before the broadcast had even finished.

He had come to politics surprisingly late in the end. Everyone who knew him had expected it of him years before; some were even aware of the attempts that had been made in the past to get him to change careers, but when the re-colonisation of the fleet had taken place he had chosen to lead the re-development of the military, allowing his father to ease into retirement at last. Kara had taken on the formation of a new military academy, at first as the main flight instructor but eventually as its Principal. The moment had never seemed quite right for him to enter politics for one reason or another, but a dozen years previously he had at last fallen to the persuasions of Billy Keikaya who had recruited Lee to run as his vice president when he stood for the presidency again. He had been an amazing success. His natural diplomacy and charisma, combined with his heroic service record, made him a rarity in government: a politician that everyone trusted. He had learnt the ropes under Billy and he had just started his own second term as president when they learned of Kara's illness.

The one advantage of being president was that he had the connections to help him arrange just about anything that Kara wanted. Her requests were few: there were some places she wanted to go and things she wanted to see, but mainly she just wanted to enjoy time with her friends and family. One of her dearest wishes had been to fly a viper again, and not just one of the old ones that she used to fly; she wanted to fly the mark X designed by her son. Lee had been fearful of her reaction when Alex, who had sailed through the academy at the top of everything, had announced that he was giving up his military career to become a design engineer. He had wanted to get his wings so that he understood the mechanics of flying, but what he really wanted to do was design and build planes, not fly them. However, he need not have worried. Kara, who had been more street smart than academically minded in her own academy days, was so thrilled that a child of hers had the brains to achieve the type of qualifications needed to get his new job that she had been inordinately proud of what Alex had done. Lee, remembering the pressures that he had faced from his own father, had also been more than happy to let their son choose his own career path.

Lee had arranged for her to go onto the Galactica for the flight. Not that this new, refurbished version was recognisable as the old bucket of bolts that had been their home for so many years. Marcus was stationed there and he wanted to be able to fly with his mother. The day had been an unbridled success. She had been so like a giddy schoolgirl as she zipped herself into a flight suit that he found it hard to believe that she was so ill: he thought that she looked just as she had when they had flown together on Galactica thirty years before. A look of excitement and admiration had settled over her features as she ran her hands over the sleek lines of the new fighter. She had seen it in concept before, indeed she and Alex had spent many hours arguing companionably over the merits of various design options. She had even seen it fly at its inaugural flight, but she hadn't had a chance to pilot one herself. Lee could still remember her scream of delight coming over the ship's wireless as she shot out of the launch tube and did a series of impossible turns, as if it had been ten minutes since she'd last flown a viper rather than ten years. He smiled as her familiar voice came over the wireless again.

"Galactica, this is Starbuck. Tell Apollo that this beats the shit out of his old mark VII!"

It was as if the years had just been stripped away and they were back serving on the Galactica again. Most of the Galactica's current pilots had been too young ever to have seen her fly, with the exception of the CAG who had been in one of the first classes she had taught when she formed the new flight school. They knew that she had taught their commander when the old man had just been a rookie viper pilot, but they really had no idea what a seasoned combat pilot of her skill, who had survived countless Cylon attacks, could do, especially in a plane with the capabilities of the mark X. Marcus, determined to show her his best form, had taken her on, but didn't want to embarrass her so he took it easy at first: She had tagged him immediately.

"Don't make it easy for me kiddo. Give me a real fight."

After that he had forgotten who he was flying against and it had been poetry in motion. Marcus had always been their problem child. His reports at the academy and from his COs were always the same: he was gifted, brilliant in a cockpit, but difficult to control out of it. "Sound like anyone we know?" was always Kara's response when she read the reports and then she would heave a resigned sigh and say that he'd always had too much of her in him. He had been the one to struggle the most with the burden of the Adama name, and it hadn't been easy for him to follow in the footsteps of his brilliant brother. They had hoped that he might utilise his exceptional flying skills and follow his mother into teaching, but whereas she had developed the patience and control necessary for the role of flight instructor, he showed no signs of it as yet. However, he was in a good squadron now and the CAG seemed to be having a calming influence on him; he had even been promoted to lead pilot. Seeing him flying with his mother was an exhilarating sight and for the first time in a long while Lee dearly wished that he could have been out there in a viper with them. The look on his wife's face when she threw herself into his arms and kissed him after getting out of the plane, the post-flight adrenaline high removing all thoughts of protocol, had been worth the ribbing he'd received from the Galactica's commander about the president snogging in public!

During those precious few months they spent as much time as possible together, reminiscing about the past, talking frankly about the future, but mainly just being together. They talked about their children and their futures. The one that Lee was most worried about was Lara. Her brothers would be upset by the loss of their mother but they were grown men. Lara was a different matter. He was overwhelmed with sadness at the thought that Kara wouldn't get to see her beautiful daughter mature into full womanhood. She had been a late surprise for them. Three years after Marcus was born Kara had suffered a devastating miscarriage when she was six months pregnant. When she had plucked up enough courage to try again all their attempts to have another child after that had failed. The doctors could find no obvious reason for it, but it just didn't happen. Then suddenly, years after they had given up hope of having more children, she had discovered that she was pregnant again.

"Lords Lee, it's embarrassing. Both of our sons are practically teenagers for frak's sake. What does it look like? The admiral of the fleet and the principal of the academy having another baby at our age!"

However, little Lara Alexis Adama had brought unalloyed joy to the family. She was adored by her brothers (who had been given the responsibility of choosing her name and had come up with what they said was a combination of Lee and Kara and then Alex and Marcus); spoilt by her grandfather in his final years and she kept her parents young. She was the apple of her father's eye, but he knew that a teenaged girl needed her mother.

"What am I going to do about Lara? A fifteen year old girl needs a mother."

"I managed without one from not very much older, but then I suppose I chose to get away from mine as soon as I could. She's lead a pretty sheltered life in comparison. You'll be fine; you're lucky that she takes after you rather than me in the good sense department and you know that she often opens up to you more than she does to me."

"Yeah, but there are things she goes to you about. Women's stuff," he said darkly, a worried frown furrowing his brow. She smirked at him.

"Geez Lee, if you're gonna go all prudish and squeamish on us now then there is a problem. When you were a pilot you lived in close quarters with young women for years and with me for years after that; there can't be much that you don't know about the inner workings of their bodies and their minds! Anyway, there's always Dee or Cally if you really run into trouble. And now there's Rachel too; she's closer to Lara's age."

Rachel had been the girlfriend that Alex' had brought to meet them on colonial day. It had been obvious on that day that he was head over heels in love with her. Fortunately Kara had liked her immensely, which was a blessing because she was now his wife. Shortly after the colonial day visit Alex had called his parents to tell them that he had asked Rachel to marry him and that she'd said yes ("as if any woman in her right mind would turn him down," had said his somewhat biased mother). When they learned of his mother's illness, they had decided not to have a long engagement so that they would have her at the wedding and Kara would get to see her son married. They had suggested a quiet wedding in deference to his mother's condition.

"Frak that for a game of soldiers!" Kara had declared. "It's not every day that the president's eldest son gets married, nor is it everyday that I get a new daughter; we're going to do this properly."

She threw herself into the preparations with gusto; Lee had never seen her quite so, well, girly. He and Alex often had to take refuge in his study as the last bastion of maleness in the house! Helping to organise the wedding had been a welcome distraction for Kara and she had enjoyed every minute of the day. If seeing one of her boys safely handed over to another woman was a poignant moment for her, there was no way that she was going to admit it, even when Lee caught her looking distinctly teary.

"Are you crying, Kara?" She had looked at him as if the idea was preposterous.

"Of course I'm not frakking well crying!" He knew better, but had said nothing further, just tightened his hold on her hand.

She would never openly admit to any partiality and their children would certainly never guess, but he knew that Alex held a special place in her heart. He had tasked her about it once and she had finally given in and told him why.

"Because he was the catalyst that gave me everything that I have. He helped to show me that I was different from my own mother and I wasn't going to turn into some bitch from hell when I had a child, which gave me the strength and the confidence to have the others. He made me finally grow up and face my demons. And he gave me you."

"You always had me, Kara."

"May be I did Lee, but it wasn't until Alex that you did something about it. It just makes him that little bit extra special to me."

-

She had managed to keep active until about two weeks before her death. She was boosted shortly before the end by Rachel and Alex' announcement that they were expecting her first grandchild. She knew that she wouldn't live to see the baby born, but Alex had secretly told her that it was a girl and that her granddaughter would be given the legacy of her grandmother's name.

Lee's much vaunted self control had served him well over those last months. It had only broken down twice since the day that they had found out about the cancer. The first time had been during one of his late night chats with Alex while they were taking refuge from wedding preparations in his study. After a couple of glasses of good ambrosia, Alex had opened up to him about his feelings for Rachel and they had had one of their occasional father-son heart to hearts.

"I only hope that in thirty years time we're as happy as you and Mom."

"It isn't easy, Alex; you have to work hard at a marriage. There have been times when your mother and I couldn't be in the same room as each other without violence breaking out!"

"Don't I know it! But it's always been obvious that underneath it all you loved each other very much. We always knew it; even as children it was obvious to me and Marcus that you just had this special relationship. I can't imagine what you're feeling at the moment, dad. I know that if Rachel were ill I would be devastated and we haven't been together even a tenth of the time that you and mom have. I just want you to know that we're all here for you whenever you need us."

Lee had looked at his son and found that suddenly he couldn't speak. His throat was constricted by tears and his eyes stung. He had just gripped Alex' hand, nodded and taken a steadying gulp of ambrosia.

The second time the control had deserted him had been on the day when in a tired voice Kara had said to him,

"I don't think I'll get up this morning, Lee."

That simple statement and the sheer exhaustion in her voice had made him realise how hard she had been fighting to keep going and that she was starting to loose that fight. His walls of control had come tumbling down. He had gotten back into their bed and pulled her into his arms and sobbed like a child.

"How am I going to do it Kara? How can I keep on living with you gone?" She had taken his face in her hands and looked at him intently.

"Only my body will be gone, Lee. I'll still be with you here," she pointed to his head "and here," she laid a hand over his heart. "You'll still see me in our children and in our granddaughter when she comes. I'll never be dead to you, my darling."

When the end came it was very peaceful, so much at odds with the rest of Kara's life. He held her in his arms and she just drifted off to sleep. It was some time before he realised that she had actually gone. The only sounds were the muffled sobs of their children in the background, but he was oblivious, cocooned in a world of peace with his wife for one last time. He continued to hold her until the heat started to seep out of her body.

"Dad, you need to let her go," came Alex' quiet voice at his side. Lee pulled back a little and looked down at what he had always thought was the most beautiful face in existence. The look of peace and serenity that he saw there made the reality start to set in that she had really left him.

"I can't…I can't let her go." His voice broke and he buried his face in the crook of her neck, but the warmth he had always found there was gone.

"Come on, dad; please let the doc do the formalities." Tears were running down Alex' face at the sight of his father's pain, but he accompanied the words with a gentle but insistent tug on his shoulder.

Lee nodded and let them take her from him. He turned to his children and one look brought them into his embrace. They were the only reason he could bear to keep on living without her.

-

He was jolted back to reality by the tug of his daughter's hand. The public ceremony was at last over. They started to move towards the burial service which was to be a private affair with just friends and family. They had come from far and wide for the funeral; people he knew well and some people that he hadn't seen in years. Stephen, Cally and their children, the Keikaya's, Helo. All the quorum members were there, Admiral Gaeta and the other military chiefs and of course Commander Costanza and the senior crew of Galactica. All Kara's staff from the academy were there too. Chief Tyrol had travelled all the way from the most distant moon in the new colonies on which he had settled several years ago. Even doc Cottle, who was well over eighty, and now quite deaf, had made the effort. The shocking irony of Kara's relatively early death when Cottle had escaped lung cancer despite his years of heavy smoking struck Lee a little, but the doc had managed to provide the only light point of the day.

"I remember you. I had to give you a shot in your butt when you were two and you spat at me..." he had declared loudly when introduced to Marcus. Marcus was still pink with embarrassment five minutes later.

He had also invited some people who he didn't know, but who had sent him letters of condolence and shared some special remembrance of Kara. There was a woman from Picon who remembered lieutenant Thrace striding into one of the ships of the fleet and forcibly removing the stock of food supplies that a group of men had been hoarding. Not one of them had dared to try and stop her as she made sure that the precious food was re-distributed to the starving women and children on the ship. Another came from a Tauran man who had served as co-pilot on another one of the ships and who could still remember Starbuck shooting out two raiders closing in on his ship and saving him and the fifteen hundred or so passengers on board.

They were burying her next to his father and the small grave of their stillborn son. When the shots rang out from the honour guard the sound broke through Lee's control. It marked the end: she was really gone and she was definitely not coming back this time. He staggered slightly, his daughter's hand tightening on his arm. She had tears streaming down her face.

"Daddy? Are you OK?"

"I'm fine, just the usual trouble with my leg from standing too long."

She seemed to buy his excuse. The truth was that he wasn't alright; he doubted that he was ever going to be alright again, but she didn't need to hear that right now. Marcus was there at his other side immediately, a supporting arm around his father. He didn't have the strength of mind or body to resist the comfort and somehow between them they got through the rest of the service.

-

Her grave was marked by a simple headstone. Despite the fact that she had told him not to, he visited often to talk with her, to give her the latest news of their family or talk over a political problem with her as he would have done in the past. He would look at the words carved on the stone and feel her presence and it brought him some small morsel of comfort.

Kara Thrace Adama  
Beloved wife of Lee Adama  
Mother of Alexander, Marcus and Lara  
May she have eternal peace in the arms of the Lords of Kobol

Do not stand at my grave and weep  
I am not there, I do not sleep  
I am a thousand winds that blow  
I am the diamond glints on snow  
Do not stand at my grave and cry  
I am not there, I did not die.

In due course a far grander headstone was placed next to hers to mark the final resting place of a man who had been an exceptional servant to the people of the new colonies. He slipped away one night, not many years after his wife. A stroke the doctors said, but there were those close to him who suspected that Lee Adama's well ordered mind had just decided that he had completed all his worldly tasks: he had finished his presidency and he had given his daughter away in marriage. His people and his family were well taken care of and so it was now alright for him to leave to be reunited with his wife again.

THE END

**Author's note**: hope you liked that as a way of rounding everything off and that you didn't find it too harrowing or overly morbid! Many thanks for all the reviews and feedback over this series of stories. I'm thinking of taking a bit of a break for a while; I really ought to do something else useful like cleaning the house! But you never know when my writing muse might return!

P.S. the quotation I've used above is of uncertain attribution but was once found in a letter left by a British soldier killed by the IRA


End file.
